Addicted
by CharmedLife19
Summary: She owed him a lot, but did she owe him all that she had already given him? Emotionally, she had nothing left to give. And, surely, he had to know that by now. [A JT ficlet]


**(Author's Note)** So, this is far different from anything I've ever written. For one, it's an 'Instant Star' fanfic – which I've never done before. I'm also used to writing the 'forbidden love'-styled stories, and Jude/Tommy isn't quite forbidden. (It's also a near fact that they'll be getting together, where I've tended to write more of the 'never going to happen' ships lately.) Anyway, my friend wanted me to write an 'IS' fanfic featuring Jude/Tommy, so this is for her. I know it's a lot more angsty than she probably wanted but that's all I could come up with at the moment. I'll give a more fluffy ficlet a shot later.

**(Disclaimer)** I do not own 'Instant Star,' or any of its characters. I, also, have no claim to the lyrics used in this, which are to Kelly Clarkson's "Addicted."

_**Addicted**_

She stared at him from across the now empty ballroom. Her eighteenth birthday party, as thrown by G-Major, had long since ended, and now only the two of them remained. He seemed to be busy messing with the soundboard, but she could tell it was simply an excuse; a reason to not have to look at her.

Before she could stop it, a sigh escaped her lips.

This was how it always was with them. Why would today be any different? Yesterday, he had kissed her; today he ignored her. It was a twisted, demented cycle and she wasn't sure how much longer she could last.

She shook her head as she bit back a bitter laugh. Who was she kidding? It had been years now, and she still let him do this to her.

_**It's like you're a drug  
**__**It's like you're a demon I can't face down  
**__**It's like I'm stuck  
**__**It's like I'm running from you all the time **_

She couldn't escape it, really. Maybe that was her fault? Maybe she should have long ago told him to stay away from her? Or maybe, she should have refused when he had asked her to forget the first kiss they had shared? As if that one agreement counted for the many times since.

Why couldn't someone invent a patch for this? Or a twelve-step program? This was just as much of an addiction as any drug.

She refused to see the irony in all of it. She refused to see how just a little more than two years ago, she viewed him as little more than a pop star past his prime.

Things had changed since then. _Everything_ had changed since then.

_**And I know I let you have all the power  
**__**It's like the only company I seek is misery all around **_

It was her fault, really, for letting him have such controlling power over her. His influence over her career was one thing, but since the start of it all she had let him run the entire show. She had let his opinion on who she dated matter. She had let his opinion on _anything_ matter.

She had sacrificed relationships for him, only to be the one hurt in the end. She had ran off, gotten drunk and put herself in a horrible position just because he had suddenly decided to leave her. She, on more than one occasion, had nearly jeopardized her entire career for him.

And what did she get in return? Ignored. Used. Hurt. Time and time again.

And yet, knowing this, she couldn't help but keep going back for more. More pain. More misery.

_**It's like you're a leech  
**__**Sucking the life from me  
**__**It's like I can't breathe  
**__**Without you inside of me  
**__**And I know I let you have all the power  
**__**And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time **_

Even Sadie had noticed the difference in her lately. But how exactly was she supposed to explain to her sister that the reason she was so withdrawn was because of someone Sadie could view as her own ex-boyfriend.

Which was the sad truth of it all. Jude Harrison was suffering from unrequited love for her sister's ex-boyfriend.

But did knowing the truth of it change anything? No, of course not. It never did, and it never would.

Years ago she had lied to herself; she had told herself that over time she would get over Tommy. Time would heal whatever wound he had managed to leave. She wasn't going to be that foolish anymore. She knew full well that she wasn't going to get over this.

You would think being able to admit that would make it less painful. All it did, really, was make it more real. It made it something she couldn't run and hide from.

_**It's like I can't breathe  
**__**It's like I can't see anything  
**__**Nothing but you  
**__**I'm addicted to you  
**__**It's like I can't think  
**__**Without you interrupting me  
**__**In my thoughts, in my dreams  
**__**You've taken over me  
**__**It's like I'm not me  
**_**_It's like I'm not me_**

Jamie asked her just the other day what had happened to make her become the shell of the Jude he used to know. She never answered him, but Jamie wasn't stupid. Of all the people in her life, Jamie was the most perceptive when it came to her feelings for Tommy.

And he made no issue of showing he didn't approve.

She had told him that it wasn't any of his business. He had lost all right to making those judgments long ago.

Looking back, she knew her words had been harsh, but what could she really say? Her relationship, or lack thereof, with Tommy had become anything but healthy but she would never admit that.

After all, eventually he would have to stop ignoring the blatant truth, right? Eventually, he'd have to see that they were simply meant to be.

The problem with 'eventually,' is that it could be any time from tomorrow to ten years from tomorrow.

_**It's like I'm lost  
**__**It's like I'm giving up slowly  
**__**It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me  
**__**Leave me alone  
**__**And I know these voices in my head are mine alone  
**__**And I know I'll never change my ways  
**__**If I don't give you up now **_

Silently, she wondered if she would ever be able to move on with her life. Or, for that matter, did she want to? Did she want a life without Tommy in it?

For years now he had been her rock. He had helped her find her place in a world she had once only dreamt about. He had helped her grow musically, and had helped her as she turned from a girl into a woman all while under the spotlight.

She owed him a lot, but did she owe him all that she had already given him? Emotionally, she had nothing left to give. And, surely, he had to know that by now.

_**It's like I can't breathe  
**__**It's like I can't see anything  
**__**Nothing but you  
**__**I'm addicted to you  
**__**It's like I can't think  
**__**Without you interrupting me  
**__**In my thoughts, in my dreams  
**__**You've taken over me  
**__**It's like I'm not me  
**__**It's like I'm not me **_

Looking up from the table she sat at, her breath seemed to catch in her throat as her eyes met that of the man she spent so much time thinking about.

Blue eyes locking on stormy blue eyes, she seemed unable to move. It was a contest of wills. Who would move? Who would blink?

Tommy moved first as he went back to the soundboard. "It's still your birthday, you should be out with friends."

Her gaze seemed fixed on him as she spoke. "I'm right where I want to be."

He looked up at her, his eyes asking a silent question. She held out for the verbal form, but seemed to let go of such hopes when silence began to consume the modestly sized ballroom.

"Tommy," she sighed, "we need to talk."

He shrugged and looked back down to the soundboard. "Sure. About what?"

She managed to bite back the urge to swear as she stood from her chair. She made hardly any noise as she walked to the soundboard he seemed so interested in. If he paid that kind of attention to her, they wouldn't be in the awkward position they were now.

Standing in front of him, she cleared her throat. "Why is it, that you can kiss me as if your life depends on it one day, and treat me as if I barely exist the next?" It had taken all her courage to say it, and now, she was beginning to regret it.

His movements froze as he looked back up at her, his face suddenly guarded. "Jude." His tone was one of warning, but for the life of her she couldn't figure out what he was warning her _of_.

"Jude, what?"

"That – yesterday – it was a mistake. You know that."

"Do I? Tommy–"

"Yes, you do." His word seemed final, but she wasn't going to accept it.

_**I'm hooked on you  
**__**I need a fix  
**__**I can't take it  
**__**Just one more hit  
**__**I promise I can deal with it  
**__**I'll handle it, quit it  
**__**Just one more time, then that's it  
**__**Just a little bit more to get me through this **_

Moving to stand between him and the board, she pulled his face down to hers. Tilting her head just slightly, she let her lips capture his. He seemed to follow her lead, allowing his lips to move against hers before she finally pulled away just far enough to speak.

"I love you." Her voice was hoarse, filled with emotion she wasn't sure she wanted expressed.

Tommy pulled away from her then, shaking his head. "No, you don't."

"Yes, I do." Her voice was adamant, as she looked him in the eye.

"Jude, you're barely 18. You don't even know what love _is_ yet."

"Stop bringing my age into this. I'm the same age Sadie was when you dated her. Age doesn't matter. I know what love is, and I know that's what I feel for you."

"This isn't going to work. You don't even know me. You think you do, but you don't."

"Not for lack of trying. I've begged you to tell me whatever it is you're hiding."

"It's not your business to know, Jude!"

"So, what? I'm only good enough for you in the sudden moment that you feel the need to kiss me?"

_**It's like I can't breathe  
**__**It's like I can't see anything  
**__**Nothing but you  
**__**I'm addicted to you  
**__**It's like I can't think  
**__**Without you interrupting me  
**__**In my thoughts, in my dreams  
**__**You've taken over me  
**__**It's like I'm not me  
**__**It's like I'm not me**_

Her question hung in the air as he took another step away from her. "We can't do this. It's not fair to you. Being with me," he paused as he took a shaky breath. "Jude, being with me will only end up bringing you down in the end. You'll only get hurt."

Tommy could still hear the words that Kwest had said to him several months back. At much as it pained him to believe it, Kwest had been right.

"Right." Her voice was clipped, obviously not accepting of this answer. "You've said that before. What I can't figure out is why no one seems to care about what _I _want."

"And what do you want, Jude?"

Her eyes flew to his, slightly angered that he even had to ask. "I want you."

He let out a sigh as he started to turn away. Her eyes narrowed as she watched him struggle with the right words to say. "Why do you bother asking me what I want? You already know, just as I already know that you're never going to give that to me. I just-" She looked away, trying to find the right words. "I just want to be with you. If I end up getting hurt, well, it's not like no one tried to warn me. I want to be with you without you constantly pushing me away."

"I don't want to hurt you." His eyes were pained as they looked into hers, trying to find an answer to their complicated relationship.

"Then don't."

"I didn't want to hurt Portia or Sadie, either, but that happened anyway."

"You can't compare me to them, Tommy. You were never in love with Sadie. Can you honestly tell me that you're not in love with me?"

"I – No, I can't." Jude took a step forward as she reached for his hand. He let her hold it for a moment before pulling away. "Which is why I don't want you to get hurt. We can't do this, I'm sorry." Turning, he grabbed his jacket from the chair he had thrown it on hours before. "I have to go."

"Go as in permanently or go as in 'I'll see you tomorrow?'"

"I don't know. I just- I don't have the answers Jude. I'm sorry."

She watched him as he left before allowing herself to sink into the chair his jacket had previously occupied. She knew that tomorrow she would wake up and try to pretend this never happened. That's how it seemed to work: He would kiss her, she would confront him, he would push her away and then they'd both pretend the whole thing had never happened.

Maybe it was her fault, for letting him push her away. She couldn't exactly help it, he was her biggest addiction and there was nothing she could do about it.

Walking across the room, she grabbed her jacket from where it had been laying on the bar. Taking one last look around the room that had played home to another one of her G-Major birthday parties, she sighed before walking out the door.

Tomorrow she would ignore this ever happened, and she would pretend that she wasn't addicted to Tom Quincy.


End file.
